Saying Goodbye: The Celebration

Last Sunday, we had a celebration of my father's life. We chose his old hangout in New Jersey, taking over the back room of a neighborhood bar. About 30 people attended--most of them relatives. We hired a keyboard player/singer, who knew Sinatra songs (but damn not "My Kind of Town") and Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline" as well as other standards. Thanks Jeff (my husband) for the idea. Dad loved to sing and I think he would have appreciated it.

Dad was the last of his generation. His three sisters are long gone as well as their spouses. I think he would have been happy knowing his nieces and nephews, their kids and grand kids were there.

I wonder how he would have felt about his ex-wives attending. Maybe my mother would have gotten a pass--as the mother of his children, despite his issues with her. My ex-stepmother was there also. I don't know the story of their break-up; it was 25 years ago. But Marie said she still thought of my dad as her husband and I knew she was truly mourning him. My brother Jim gave me Dad's wedding ring to give to her; she was touched. I also gave her a few pictures of her parents and from one of their trips. She had been asking for more photos. I didn't want to tell her that I think Dad destroyed them. I found one picture from my college graduation. He and I were there and she was torn off.

The worst part of the day was wondering what my nephews and brother-in-law would do. My nephews (I believe guided by their father) are trying to get a piece of the estate on a legal technicality (is there any other kind?) I am a lawyer and years ago, drafted a will for my father based on New Jersey law when he lived there. I declined his request to re-draft the will after my sister died and he moved to Florida. That proved to be a mistake. I have never practiced law and was far removed from legal research when he asked me. I felt uncomfortable and it would have been inconvenient for me to get to a law library for research. I guess I was a fucking fool.

Now my brother and I are fighting mean spirited, greedy opponents who are trying to take advantage of my father who tried to save a few bucks re-drafting his will without legal advice. This left an opening for assholes to disregard his clear intentions and try to shake us down for money.

Next we have a quintessential example of adding insult to injury. Friday night before the celebration, my mother handed me a sealed letter from my brother-in-law. In it, he accused me of driving a wedge in the family for money and dishonoring my sister. I don't know if he is living in a bizarro world or if he just thinks he can manipulate me by invoking the possible wishes of my dead sister.

All I know is that I won't be manipulated; my father has a right to have his wishes honored, and my family has been reduced by three.