Self-Care in Small Doses

This post is almost a month old--I meant to write about it before. The timing coincides with some health problems with Lola which is probably why I didn't post then.

I have also bought daffodils at Trader Joe's and other grocery stores. I don't buy flowers every time I buy groceries, but there is something about daffodils and the longing for spring that is almost irresistible to me. 

I remember Julia Cameron writing about treating yourself in The Artist's Way. At one point, she and her husband Mark spent the last of their money on good socks because people deserve to have good socks. I also recently read this article about the pandemic and little treats. We can all benefit from little treats.

Spring brings other small pleasures. Yesterday I saw a Great Egret at Oyster Shell Park. Unfortunately, it flew away quickly, and I couldn't get a photo. It made me happy to see it. 

Personal Archaeology

I believe that Julia Cameron used the term archaeology in The Artist's Way about finding things in your past that hampered your creativity. I also remember the concept of mining your journals. A few weeks ago, I wrote that I found a box of things to go to Goodwill. I also found a small duffel bag of notebooks. I had previously found a matching bag (both giveaways from an Arizona Diamondbacks/Atlanta Braves game that Jeff and I attended back in 1998) with stories and pieces of novels that I had written. I had skimmed through those notebooks, tossed a few, but kept those with things that I thought I could use. 

In the latest bag, I found some journals of morning pages, as well as notebooks from various retreats and courses. I found some old poems that I typed up (including Ode to a Nike Commercial or Why I Love Tom Glavine.) I also found some phrases in exercises that I used to write poems. One was: the arm around my waist became a chain.

I've gone through over half of the notebooks. Some, I tossed outright. Some, I threw away pages and now have smaller notebooks. I'll type up some poems or use found phrases to generate new poems.

A few things are consistent in my pages. There is never enough time. Which means I have to find, make the time. I also need other writers around me--retreats have inspired and supported me. I guess my class gives me some support. I need to find more.

Books One and Two The Obsidian Chamber and The Money Drunk

I'm off to good start reading in 2020.

First up: The Obsidian Chamber by Preston and Child

The prologue in this book was the same as the epilogue in Crimson Shore. Pendergast is gone, presumed dead. Grief-stricken, Constance decides to retreat to her chambers beneath the family mansion. Then Proctor, Pendergast's bodyguard and chauffeur, is attacked and drugged. Proctor recovers in time to see Diogenes Pendergast kidnapping Constance. The chase is on.

As I mentioned in my Crimson Shore post, the reappearance of Diogenes was a bit much for me. I was predisposed to be critical of this book. It's still good: the story is complex and kept me turning the pages to see what would happen next.


Book Two: The Money Drunk 90 Days to Financial Freedom by Mark Bryan and Julia Cameron (1992)
Now called Money Drunk/Money Sober 90 Days to Financial Freedom (1999)

I bought this book about 20 years ago when I took a week-long Artist's Way program with the authors at Omega Institute. I'm not sure why.

Obviously I wasn't burning to read it; it sat on my bookshelf for those 20 years. On Monday, I was reading an online thread about New Year's resolutions. Many involved saving or budgeting money, so I finally read the book.

The first part of the book defines the money drunk problem as another addiction. The second delineates the various types of money drunks, and the third describes a 12-step 90 day solution.

While I have some issues with money, I'm glad to report that I'm not a money drunk and don't need the program. It was interesting how many of the steps for the various types were similar to those in Cameron's The Artist's Way.

When It's Not Working Anymore

Sometimes you realize that something isn't working for you anymore, but you continue to do it anyway.

It may be a habit; it may be comfortable; it may be that you don't know what else to do; it may be that you're just lazy.

That's the way I've been about my journaling.

My journaling started as morning-pages. Then it evolved into this leisurely combination of writing, drinking coffee, watching TV, checking email. I realized that there was something wrong with this process. A friend once told me that journaling would keep me from real writing. Another said I had outgrown morning pages.

I disagreed;  I still clung to morning pages. They center me. If I don't do them, I feel that something's missing. But still...

Yesterday, I read this which led me to this. Something in the combination of these articles hit me and helped me make a change. Today, I still did my morning pages. First thing. In a room by myself without distractions. Without coffee. I finished them in 10 minutes and went on with my day.

George W. Bush, Painting and Creativity

A few months ago, I heard or read that former President George W. Bush had taken up painting. I think that's cool. It's only the second time I had a positive reaction to anything Bush said or did. (For the record, I also like that he was into baseball.)

It bothered me to hear someone (I think it was Jon Stewart) mocking him for choosing painting instead of the more worthy avocations of Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton. I prefer him painting than mucking around in politics again.

I recently came across this article from Utne Reader which sums it up beautifully. All of us, even George W. Bush, can be creative. It's the process that's important--the process is good for us. Julia Cameron has said you have to be willing to be bad to do your art (badly paraphrased but the gist is correct.) Even if you don't get "good"--it can be fun. Having fun is an end in itself.

Vein of Gold

Okay, so this is a play on words for Julia Cameron and an exaggeration of the title of my earlier post on mining my journals. 

I found a few interesting things reading a journal from April 2007.

One of my many ideas is to write a poetry book with photographs about Spike. I had the title, "The Dog with with Perpetual Smile." Someone at the dog park described Spike this way; it's accurate--he is a happy boy.

I also found a haiku (of sorts) about my nephew's dog, Amos.

party dog
chaser of Polly cat
Frisbee acrobat.

I love it if I do say so myself.

Mining my Journals

I've started writing about home renovations here.

What do home renovations have to do with journals? Well, since we worked in every room at one point or another, we had to empty every room and look at what we would put back in every room.

I've been keeping journals for over 20 years. Some are daily musings, some are records of trips, some are related to classes, retreats or writing books, and some are miscellaneous. I would probably keep every journal if I had a large storage area. Since I don't, I occasionally read through them, saving pages that are somehow relevant or meaningful to me, and tossing the rest.

This time around, I've read through about four journals. Frankly, they're a bunch of drivel. I found nothing worth saving.

If an outside observer were to read my journals, he or she would think I was unhappy. Pages are filled with lists of things to do, things I didn't do, things I should have done. The negative pages outnumber the positive.

But I don't remember these days as unhappy.

The main reason is that many of my journals are modeled on Julia Cameron's morning pages. She often describes these as brain drains. By getting frustrations out on the page, they may not mess up the rest of your life.  

I still hope to find something---an idea, image or phrase worth saving--worth mining.

What Do I Do For Me?

Wednesday night or actually Thursday morning to be precise, when I turned out the lights at 1AM, I asked myself the title question of this post. I don't know where it came from. It wasn't something that I was consciously thinking about.

Here are a few things that come to mind:

Exercise:
I don't always enjoy the process, but I feel good after exercise. Hiking is fun; it can also be sociable if I go with Jeff and Spike. I like swimming and yoga. But now, I work out mostly at a gym; it's the most economical choice. I like to lift weights; aerobics isn't as interesting to me, but I use that time to read. And I feel good after working out.
            
Writing/Blogging:
Sometimes writing is difficult, and like exercise, I don't always enjoy the process. But it makes me feel good, satisfied when I write. I like this blog because it's a permanent storehouse of my thoughts and ideas that's easy to access. I journal almost every day; most of it is drivel but it centers me and occasionally, I get a good thought or profound statement. My other writing--well, it's harder to describe. I usually get a good response when I share my writing (though occasionally people read things into my writing that I didn't intend.) I rarely submit my writing; I'm not looking for acclaim. It's some other need that I can't explain.

Artist Dates:
I'm using Julia Cameron's term artist dates. The Artist Date is designed to feed creative work by replenishing the inner well of images and inspiration. I can't precisely contribute any of my work to a specific artist date. But I've had some wonderful experiences and having an Artist Date as a to-do has led me to go places and do things I might not have done: a Haitian art gallery, a Jackson Pollock exhibit, a reading of a new play.

These are examples of what I do for me. I need to do more.

The Journal Keeper and Phyllis Theroux

This morning I went to a reading and workshop given by Phyllis Theroux, focusing on her book, "The Journal Keeper" a memoir of six years of her life.

I enjoyed her selections from the book and the discussion that followed. After the workshop, I purchased her book and she inscribed it to me. I'm now looking forward to reading it.

Funny, I never thought of myself as particularly interested in memoir--until I learned a memoir does not have to be a complete timeline of life. I took memoir workshops at a Mercy Center writing retreat and at New Canaan Library (which led to a publication of our selections.)

Phyllis discussed a keeping a journal that you want to keep--reflecting on your feelings, being careful not to include raw emotions that could hurt a reader. I asked her opinion of morning pages, as developed by Julia Cameron. In my 15 second description, I might not have given morning pages their due. I said roughly--they were the mundane from which deep thoughts could arise. (Damn, roughly--I don't remember exactly what I said. I'm sure I said mundane, but doubt I said deep thoughts--where did my exact words go?)

Anyway, Phyllis completely disagrees with the idea of morning pages. I've been writing morning pages for over 12 years. While I haven't had an epiphany when writing them or had them lead me to the writing life I desire, I find that writing morning pages is a grounding exercise for me. I feel better for writing them.

It can be easy to say well, I wrote morning pages, so at least I did some writing, and let it go--forget about other writing. But Julia says morning pages are a tool--they aren't necessarily real writing--they help you get rid of distractions so you can concentrate on your art.

On the other hand, if you approach your writing with the idea that you have to reflect on your actions and emotions, and have something to say, as Phyllis suggests, you might never feel secure enough that you have something good enough, to actually commit your thoughts to paper.

As usual, I don't have clear answers. To me, asking and pondering the questions is what is important.

Why A blog? Part Two

In my first post, I talked about having something to say and being discovered. Being discovered is a long time fantasy of mine. On a trip to California with relatives when I was about 13, I joked that I would be discovered and made a star, a la Lana Turner sipping a soda at a Hollywood drug store.

Years later I fantasized that my beagle, Spike would be discovered in a visit to New York City, allowing me to quit my job to become his manager. My latest fantasy is being discovered as a great writer via this blog. (FYI, the most realistic of these fantasies was the discovery of Spike. Just look how cute he is in my profile picture and that is far from his best photo.)

But back to this blog. I started it to force myself to write every day. I'm not there yet. I do journal every day; specifically I write morning pages http://www.theartistsway.com/tools/. But morning pages are not real writing--Julia Cameron characterizes then as brain drain. Morning pages can jump start writing. I've also won Nanowrimo, writing 50,000 words in 30 days. That proves to me that I'm capable of serious output, but even then I skipped a day or two.

This blog will be a record of how well I meet the goal of writing every day--not just for a month but for a continuing mission.