Hoping for a Better Day

This has been a horrible week--so far. 

But it's only been two days, and I'm hoping that will turn around. 

Everything I do ends in a cycle of frustration. When I decide something or do something, it opens up a bunch of additional questions or things to do. Which leads to stress. 

The latest issue involves ordering a refrigerator for our Norwalk condo. I've already spent hours on this yesterday and today. Now I'm listening to a ringing telephone.

Maybe things will start looking up this afternoon.

In Other News

The packing and decluttering continues. I hired two people to pack up dishes, glasswork, and miscellaneous including our Mets paraphernalia (how sad, that reminds me of the Mets.)

My brother Jim also came; he was a big help. Much more in the next few days.

Update: Moving, Stress, Another Walk-Thru, and An Anniversary

Jeff and I have been married 37 years today. With all of the moving to-dos, expenses, and stress, we're not up to a big celebration. We were going to go out to dinner, but I was leaning to getting takeout. Then Jeff suggested lunch. It was a late one. We had a new mattress and box spring delivered and were the last of the jobs. 

In the middle of the mattress delivery, I quickly vacuumed the floor--years of dog hair and dust. Hmm, dog hair and dust. Could be a cologne on Wednesday. 

Anyway, it was drizzly when we finally headed out around 2:45, and we wanted to take Jace.  As we were waiting for the mattress, I researched dog friendly Norwalk restaurants that had covered outdoor dining areas. I selected Tavern on 7. It's basically a sports bar, but had some interesting specials. Unfortunately, they were out of the special I really wanted, shrimp bisque. A good lunch, but loud being right on Route 7. Our take-out dinner entree (I didn't want to cook today) and dessert were mediocre. 

People are telling me I'm going to miss Norwalk when we go. Right now, I'm pretty jaded with/by Norwalk Of course, it's more the people I'll miss. I've spent over half of my life here in Norwalk, in this condo. I hope I will find some fond memories.

We're driving down to Maryland tomorrow. Friday will be our second walk-thru of our condo. I'm packing some basic supplies in my car--what I can fit. It will be our first time seeing it empty.

We changed our moving date from September 25th to October 2. That gives us another week;  I hope it will be enough. 

Decluttering, Packing, Making Appointments

The appointments started with Jeff going to the dentist. Then Jace had his annual checkup, I got my car serviced, and Jeff got a haircut. 

Tomorrow, I get my haircut, and someone is coming by to buy/junk a lot of our things. At least I hope.

I took two boxes and several bags of jackets, sweatshirts, and coats to Goodwill today. I also bought some things at Kohl's and Home Goods--bowls to replace some we're planning to give away, towels, pillows, a king blanket. I'm wondering why I'm buying. Yes, I'll need things, but that's enough buying for now. 

Tonight I'm overwhelmed and stressed. I'll never get it all done. But I have to. 

Good News Everyone

(Said in Professor Farnsworth voice from Futurama.) On Friday the 7th, we got the news that Jeff was approved for Social Security disability benefits. The process took 14 months, when we were told it would take four to six months. There were several rounds of phone calls, and documents filled out online and on paper.

And waiting. During the waiting, we saw an episode on Last Week Tonight. Many potential recipients declare bankruptcy because the process takes so long. Luckily, we didn't have to worry about that. 

In the following week, we figured out his health insurance. Jeff's losing Cobra coverage at the end of the month. Luckily, the insurance broker I use for my medical supplemental insurance could help. I also got our paperwork to our accountant. Today the taxes are ready, and we're getting a refund. Funny, these were the two things that I didn't even put on my to do list.

Still lots more to do; I need to redo my to-do list 

Thursday Thoughts

I've been going through feelings of self-doubt recently. It's funny how fast it hits. 

It's focused on my writing. I haven't been happy with my last two class assignments. They're not terrible; they're just okay. I haven't felt inspiration. I know I can't wait for inspiration--at least not if I'm a real writer. You/I have to write whether you are/I am in the mood or not. 

 

Recently, I did some newspaper searches for Sylvanus Merwin. I was psyched to find information. But in the 20 something articles I found, only one or two were minimally helpful. The two local books I read didn't add much to my understanding (and were pretty badly written.) I actually haven't done any writing. At least I could work on some background. 

I attended a good conference on Saturday--specifically the lunchtime seminar. Desmond Hall the instructor inscribed his book to me, "You were great in the seminar! Look forward to reading the story you come up with!" I felt so proud. 

Where did those good feelings go? Why does self-doubt take over so easily? Why does the question of "am I really a writer?" resurface so often? Am I too old to be able to write something?

My self-doubt extends to other areas.  Sometimes, I wake up in the morning stressing about what to make for dinner. I worry about wasting time, managing my time. Why am I such an inefficient cleaner?

Why does it take me so long to finish things?

Lots of questions, but I don't have answers. I'm going to keep writing and try not to sweat the other things. 

Catching Up

I didn't expect to wait nine days since my last post. I had actually started another post immediately after the I published the last. 

Why haven't I been posting? It's partially a case of avoidance, partially a case of being preoccupied with Jeff's recovery plus my own health. We had neglected getting regular checkups and are working with some new doctors, researching insurance coverage, etc. 

I've had some writing block issues. I had two weeks for my latest class assignment. The theme was paths crossed using two characters from our previous two assignments. I wasn't crazy about my characters (one was based on me) they just weren't all that interesting. Writing the new story was a slog. 

I also need to talk about the mundane: habit. I got out of the habit of posting. Previously, I've compared blogging to working out at the gym. It can be hard to get started, and sometimes the process is frustrating, but it feels so good when it's over. There's a sense of accomplishment. 

I mentioned a snow hangover in an earlier post. We didn't get rid of that snow before we got another six inches (or thereabouts) last Thursday and Friday. It was flurrying when I got up on Saturday--I felt as if the meteorologists had betrayed me. They told me the snow had finally ended on Friday. On Monday we got additional snow/sleet/rain. It didn't amount to much in terms of measurement, but it was demoralizing. The older I get, the more I hate snow and its aftermath of slippery surfaces and slush. There were days when even Lola didn't want to go out. 

I'm stressed: a perfect storm of concern about Jeff, added responsibilities while Jeff is recovering, depressing winter weather, illness (I had a bad cold last week--the worst in years) plus Covid isolation and the usual day-to-day to-dos.

I know what I need to do. I've got to get better organized about my to-dos, so they don't overwhelm me. When I stop to think about it, I really don't have things that bad. I'm actually pretty privileged. 

I need to talk to friends more often. I may not be able to see people in person safely, but we can talk. 

Finally I need to create. I need to write more for my class and otherwise. I need to work on collages and art journals. I took a gelli plate workshop last month but haven't done anything since then. It's true that the layout of our condo is not conducive to making art, but I just have to make due. 

Midweek Miscellany

It was another raw, rainy day, although nowhere near as bad as Monday. Lola and I did two loops at Oyster Shell Park (it takes about an hour at Lola stopping-and sniffing rates.) We only made one loop on Monday. I was surprised to see 10 others walking around: most without dogs. If it weren't for Lola, I would have stayed hunkered down today. It was that unpleasant. Yesterday's walk, however, was lovely. I really needed it to de-stress.

I exercised for at least 45 minutes today. I'd been meaning to exercise, but somehow never got around to it. I made myself prioritize it this morning. It's been nine days since I've been to the gym, but it seems like a month. At least.

Jeff's been working full-time at home for past eight days. It also feels like a month. At least.

On Monday I went food shopping. Several people were wearing gloves and/or masks. I bought a pack of gloves but didn't open them. Not yet. Otherwise, I've been staying home except for taking Lola out.

I'm reading a book about Henry VIII and his wives on Jeff's Kindle. I really don't like reading on a Kindle, especially now that I've learned it's bad for your sleep if you read a Kindle in bed. The screen time messes up sleeping. I need to put together a list of all the physical books I have to read. I know I have at least 10. I'd like to revisit a time travel science book I started a few years ago. I understood the first chapter on Newton, but soon I was lost. Maybe I should re-re-read this Einstein book beforehand. I think I'll need something easier for before bed reading.

I'd like to make other lists: unfinished stories to work on, chores besides usual cleaning, Princeton Review tests I need to complete. I also want to reorganize my ATC/art journal supplies. I did a little of this last month, but would like to refine it further. I've been collecting clips again.

The photo at the top of this post is from Oyster Shell Park last week. It was a pretty spot in a field of bleak.

I Like Griping

I was reminded of this quote from Alien this morning:

Lambert: I can't see a goddamn thing.
Kane: Quit griping.
Lambert: I like griping.

Our condo super called me and seemingly forgot that last week he implied that Jeff and I would be responsible for an expensive plumbing repair. It was really annoying--don't gaslight me and don't act as if you didn't say what you did.

After our conversation, I griped to Jeff. It made me feel a little better, but I'm sure it didn't help Jeff feel better.

When is it right to share your gripes with another? What helps the griper relieve stress without stressing out the other person?

What's the griping balance? I need to figure that out.

General Griping

It took me a long time to go through my mother's paperwork to prep her taxes for the accountant. Part of this--a large part to be honest--is just a case of procrastination. I also made the tactical mistake of starting my mother's taxes before Jeff's and my taxes. I could have prepped ours in two or three hours and have it done.

I'm still waiting for one 1099. I requested it on April 11. This week I called to follow up. The mailed 1099 didn't include our unit number, so we didn't receive it. (Our regular mailman must have been off.) Then the company attempted to fax the 1099 to me, but it was a double sided fax that jammed our printer. I tried to get the person who had sent the fax on the telephone. Instead I got another office--Jacksonville, Florida. The rep checked with her supervisor who said I hadn't sent a written request. No, I said, I did it by phone. Jacksonville needed a written request which I could send by fax. I should have gotten the 1099 today by her estimate, but no such luck. I'll have to call again. For each call, I have to explain my situation twice. It's so frustrating.

I don't understand how dealing with dead people's things works. I canceled my mother's credit card by an automated call system. When I tried to cancel her telephone, it took three tries. I got a confirmation number the first time. It didn't matter. The rep on the third attempt required a power-of-attorney. By that time, my mother was dead and the power-of-attorney invalid, but I had to send it anyway. It must have worked; I haven't received any more bills.

I got a bill from a collection agency for oil/gas in a property in Hilton Head. Yes my mother had lived there, but I doubted my stepfather had left a bill unpaid. When I called, I realized the agency didn't even have my mother's legal address. The rep said something like, Walker is a common name. Do they just bill anyone and hope the schmuck pays off?

The weather's been lousy lately--especially on Fridays when we want to meet our friends at the dog park: too many days of rain. "When did we move to Seattle?" a friend asked. His backyard hadn't dried out in weeks. We seem to get one or two dry days then rain threatening all day every day.

Damn frustrating.

A Substitute Post: Warning, Complaints Ahead

Writing a daily post is harder this year than it's been previously. I haven't been blogging regularly. I'm trying to plan my posts--thinking about specific dates for specific posts, and then what I can write on any day, such as TV, movie and reading topics.

I had planned to do a wrap-up post on our weekend getaway. It was successful for the most part.

But I don't feel like writing about that now. It's late, and I want to complain about my day in bullet points.

• I got locked out of my work website
• I called IT Support around 8:20 AM; the message didn't bother to tell me that I'd get no help before 9. I didn't know if I should wash my hair/take out Lola. I didn't want to miss the call.
• I couldn't review a student's score in my second work website without an student ID. 
• I requested the ID but didn't get one.
• When I finally got into the first website, I couldn't view my student.
• Hurricane Irma limited the veggies I could buy at the supermarket (shallow and selfish, I know--but this is my complaint) 
• I got an annoying email implying it was my fault that a meeting hadn't occurred. I previously said when I was available.
• I didn't have the copy of a test that I thought I had--and needed it for a tutoring session this afternoon. Quick stop at the office required. Almost made it on time except for a school bus stop. 

It helps to vent (thank you Jeff.) It helps to write everything down to see how petty it all can be. I've got to learn to ignore the petty stuff. 

In a Funk

June is winding down. It's been a slow work time for me. High pollen counts have been wiping me out. My journaling, housework and exercise have been sporadic, my blogging a rare occurrence.

I don't know if there's some kind of causation. It'd be easy to blame everything on the pollen. Or did the funk cause the lack of journaling, etc? Maybe the lack of journaling, etc. caused the funk. Watching the Braves sweep the Mets last weekend didn't help--especially because the Nationals were losing to the Cubs.

My time management is shot to hell. I knew June would be slow work-wise, but I told myself I would use the time to continue new SAT practice, start a new docent project and do some household cleaning and organizing. Well, that didn't happen.

Sometimes I just have to let myself be in a funk. That's been a long term strategy of mine. Wallow in heartache and self-pity for a bit, give myself a few minutes to imagine and exaggerate the worst in a stressful situation.

Ultimately, I can't allow myself to stay in a funk for too long. This week I  gave myself a few daily goals and completed them. It doesn't do me any good to look behind and regret. Instead I'll look forward and hope.

Accepting

I went through a phase for about four or five weeks when I just felt overwhelmed. I was relatively busy with tutoring students; I had prep work to do for the revised ACT essay and the redesigned SAT. I was concerned with Spike's health issues and worried about finances, especially my seemingly never-ending car expenses.

I kept telling myself that I shouldn't feel overwhelmed. I am lucky and privileged in many ways. I have free time and financial and emotional support. So many people have it worse than I do.

But telling myself how I should or shouldn't feel is pointless. I can't rationalize or talk myself out of my feelings. I just have to feel them. I just have to accept them.

Accepting my feelings was the first step to overcoming them. I still have a lot to do, but feel better about it. I've tried to focus on doing a few things each day. I  did a time log of a week.

Baby steps that I hope will lead me somewhere.

Traffic Tribulation and Construction Conundrum

Spoiler alert: I'm going to complain and whine.

I had a busy day yesterday: I had three tutorials scheduled in Greenwich, CT; Scarsdale, NY and Trumbull, CT; followed by a dinner with my mother in Redding, CT. I had gotten stuck in traffic on a previous visit to the Scarsdale student and owed him an extra three quarters of an hour. I was glad that I was able to re-arrange my schedule to fit in all three tutoring students. But it didn't work out for me.

As I headed to Greenwich, there was an accident at Exit 9 on I-95 that closed two lanes. I realize that being delayed is nothing compared to what people in the accident faced, but I was upset that my plans were messed up. It took me 1.25 hours to get to my first appointment: it should have taken me 20 minutes. Luckily the mom was understanding when I asked if we could shorten our session to one hour so I could fit in the second session. Mom was awesome: she got me a cappuccino because she felt sorry that I got caught in a traffic jam. Onto to Scarsdale: it took longer than I expected; bad visibility slowed me down., but I got my 2.45 hours in before I headed to Trumbull.

The Trumbull appointment didn't work out; I got stuck in another traffic jam so bad that we had to cancel.

To add to my woes, our condo's parking lot is being repaved. First, the drainage is being improved. Everyday, a new area is cordoned off. Now we have to get our cars out of the lot for the day tomorrow. Tuesday we also have to put our cars elsewhere, maybe for 24 hours. Oh joy. I just learned that we are also being assessed for this. Okay, but let me know ahead of time so I can plan.

Complain and whine.

From Expectations to Frustrations

That sums up my last week.

It's not that last week was particularly bad--actually a few good things happened. It was that I started the week thinking it would be a quiet one, that I didn't have many obligations. I thought I'd have a lot of time to get work done on long-term projects. I ended up having four meetings with or about a community organization that I'm in, plus endless rounds of email debates about tactics for the organization.

Another problem was uncertainty. Snow (again) derailed one of my tutoring appointments which I had to reschedule. That made a snag in family plans. I was also trying to pick up a small group tutorial after the original instructor had to back out. It took several days to work out a revised schedule. Then another tutoring student asked to change his appointment. I felt like I didn't know from one moment to the next what I was doing.

I should know by now: I can't expect what to expect.

Now, if I only knew if that statement is brilliant or ridiculous. Maybe it can be both.

Woe was me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aahtK6W7l78

I had been stuck in the funk that I recently wrote about. Willpower wasn't enough to get me through it.

Today, I woke up feeling pretty good--I wonder if it was the days wallowing in self pity that got me through.

It reminds me of something I learned studying for the New York bar exam. When I got too stressed, I'd imagine the worse: I'm going to flunk, I'll never pass, I'll never be able to get a job. Somehow giving myself permission to worry allowed me to get beyond my troubles and back to work. (I passed.)

Allowing myself to feel sorry for poor, poor pitiful me with my ten thousand troubles and million woes http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRv_FLqvnR4 helped me look beyond myself. I guess I got bored with my troubles and woes. I know I'm a lucky and privileged person. I've got skills, resources and support, therefore, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OO9LloDSJo

Holiday Season Already?

I'm always running behind the times--Joni Mitchell, Just Like This Train. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7YGPv3xeNY

I started tutoring a new student today. Walking into her home was like entering a Christmas wonderland: a ten-foot tree in the entry, poinsettias, nutcrackers, garland. Later I attended the 32nd Annual Winterfair. There were a variety of gift options--clothing, soaps and make-up, ornaments, vinegars and oils, pies and candy. Holiday season keeps sneaking in earlier each year.

I thought I would get an early start on Christmas decorating this year. Major cleaning and organizing in November--putting up decorations the first week in December. Guess I'm behind schedule already.

2010 has been a rough year for me. I'm hoping to turn things around and close out the year on a high note. Can the holidays help me do that? More often than not, I find Christmas stressful. I hope I can overcome that.

Taking Stock

Years ago, my friend Bev asked why I was so hard on myself. I don't remember the specifics but the context was writing--more specifically--not writing.

I do have a tendency to beat myself up over things I should have done, wasting time, etc. Sometimes it's counterproductive. At other times, it's needed to get me back on track.

I wasted a good opportunity for some solid memoir writing last week. I came back home with a mental map of what I needed to do this week. Since I had to include what I should have done last week, the map is full. But I didn't follow through--I have very little to show for the past two days. And that means more pressure to do things today and the rest of this week and the more I want to just say no--fuck it and hide myself away and read or watch Bette Davis movies or something.

It's not that I'm a perfectionist--far from it. I'm not sure what my problem is. I asked Jeff last night what's wrong with me? (He didn't reply--probably thought there was no right answer.)

I recognize that I am going through an emotional, stressful time: death, legal challenges, impending relative visit, underemployment, financial concerns. It's a lot to handle. Despite that laundry list of woes, I also recognize that I am lucky and privileged--I have resources to deal with them.

I've just got to figure out how and where to start.