Thursday Thoughts

I've been going through feelings of self-doubt recently. It's funny how fast it hits. 

It's focused on my writing. I haven't been happy with my last two class assignments. They're not terrible; they're just okay. I haven't felt inspiration. I know I can't wait for inspiration--at least not if I'm a real writer. You/I have to write whether you are/I am in the mood or not. 

 

Recently, I did some newspaper searches for Sylvanus Merwin. I was psyched to find information. But in the 20 something articles I found, only one or two were minimally helpful. The two local books I read didn't add much to my understanding (and were pretty badly written.) I actually haven't done any writing. At least I could work on some background. 

I attended a good conference on Saturday--specifically the lunchtime seminar. Desmond Hall the instructor inscribed his book to me, "You were great in the seminar! Look forward to reading the story you come up with!" I felt so proud. 

Where did those good feelings go? Why does self-doubt take over so easily? Why does the question of "am I really a writer?" resurface so often? Am I too old to be able to write something?

My self-doubt extends to other areas.  Sometimes, I wake up in the morning stressing about what to make for dinner. I worry about wasting time, managing my time. Why am I such an inefficient cleaner?

Why does it take me so long to finish things?

Lots of questions, but I don't have answers. I'm going to keep writing and try not to sweat the other things. 

Birthday, Anniversaries, and Transitions

Last weekend marked some important milestones. I'm not sure why I didn't write about them then. Maybe I just needed more time to reflect.

I had a birthday, a big one. I'm now officially old. I am now on Medicare (which is financially advantageous for us) and I've started getting a pension.

It's weird. I've started out wanting to get older, wanting to be an adult. I guess most of us aspire to be 21. Then I wanted to be 29--I thought that age would be the height of sophistication. Later it was 39--I'd still like to be that age.

I didn't mind getting older. I didn't lie about my age.  I celebrated a 50th birthday party. 

But now, my age has put me in a bit of a funk. It feels different. I'm not just a year older. It's not entering a new decade. I'm in a new category--a new phase of my life. In many ways, it's the last phase. This doesn't mean that I'm giving up or waiting for the end. The best may be yet to come. But I have to be realistic, the majority of my life is over. It's only natural for me to mull over about what I have and haven't accomplished. 

May 23rd marked 10 years of blogging. I haven't always been consistent, but I'm still blogging.

Memorial Weekend Friday was the 15th anniversary of the first Dog Park Friday (DPF.) I think the heyday of DPF is over, primarily because of Covid-19. But we plan to continue going, and we have some fond memories of previous years. 

Hit or Miss

On the way to visit my mother today, I stopped by the local grocery store to pick up some cheese for her. The counterman handed me the cheese and said "Thank you miss."

I have to say it made my day. It's been a long time since anyone called me a "miss." I've been a "ma'am" for I don't know how long.

Why should I care what the deli man calls me? I don't know, but I can still be pleasantly surprised.

The Most Happy Age?

A recent UK study finds that people are their happiest at age 33. Was it a coincidence that I got married when I was 33? I don't believe the stereotypes that women need to be married and that all women spend their lives planning their weddings. But my marriage is a good one. I think that waiting until 33 is a big part of that. For the record, I also got a promotion when I was 33.  And in getting married, I got an extra week's vacation at my job. All in all, 33 was a good age for me.

I used to think that 29 would be the perfect age and ideally I would stop aging then. I thought by then I would be worldly and sophisticated and know what was going on.

As I got older, I adjusted my perfect age to 39, like the perfect age of both my father and Jack Benny.

But I guess there is no perfect age.  I still wait for the time that I will be worldly and sophisticated and know what is going on.